by Natalie Dee
My boyfriend and I are in a rock band together. He plays keys and sings, and I drum.
Through a friend with a music industry past, we met a semi-famous gay rock star and got him some of our stuff to listen to. He got back to us right away and said he really liked the songs, so we figured this was good networking. We invited him to a show; he was out of town and sent his manager instead. His manger went to the show and liked our music too.
We recently hung out with both of them, and it was kinda uncomfortable, because the rock star is sooo touchy-feely with my boyfriend and me. He�s in a serious relationship, we�re obviously in a relationship, but he is very focused on talking about sex and we don�t like it.
They seem interested in our music, and they are reputable and successful, but I can�t tell if they want to help out our band or get us in bed. �Thomas
It is possible that these guys are indeed interested in your music. Industry cats don�t typically go out to see bands play and hang out with unsigned bands unless they think there�s at least some potential.
Maybe the dude is just overly sexual. Stranger things have happened. Some people are just so comfortable with their sexuality that they think you are totally comfortable with their sexuality too. Touchy-feely is one thing, but if he�s doing anything that you are 100-percent uncomfortable with�actually propositioning you, touching your �bathing suit areas,� wink wink�then no amount of potential success is worth making yourself feel cheap.
If your band is good enough to garner praise from industry insiders, it�s good enough to garner praise from other, more respectful industry insiders.
I�m getting married soon to my live-in boyfriend. We just moved to a new state a year ago to be next to his family and, before that, we came down to visit a bunch of times.
They are a very nice, normal family, and I totally dig his dad. We can jabber about anything. His mom, though, doesn�t seem to be warming up to me. She is very polite and thoughtful, but I can�t seem to say anything to her without sounding like a total retard. What do I do? �Lily
Oh, those soon-to-be-mothers-in-law... I don�t want to be discouraging, but there�s nothing you can do to make her like you. You�d think it would be enough that you love her son to death and are a nice person, but nooo.
How do I know this? Because my own mother-in-law thinks I�m completely heinous. I think it�s a pretty common problem. Maybe they just can�t imagine their sons marrying someone they did not hand-pick. Or they have their sons up on some pedestal and don�t think anybody is good enough for them. Maybe she�s just a bitch.
All you can do is be sweet as shit when you�re with your boyfriend�s family, and hope she just gets over it. Maybe she will once she realizes that you�re in it for the long haul. I�ll keep my fingers crossed for you if you keep your fingers crossed for me.
I�ve been dating my boyfriend for more than seven months and I love him to death, but every time we make out, mess around or have sex (which is not very often) I�m the one who initiates it. Sometimes I feel like he doesn�t really want to do anything because he�s never the one who starts it.
So I guess my question is, How do I tell him that I want him to start initiating things sometimes, without me feeling like every time he does, he�s doing it because he feels like he has to and not because he wants to?
I try to send him all the signals when I want him to kiss me, and I make it really easy for him, but I don�t think he gets it. And I�ve even tried not kissing him, but then we just end up not doing anything at all.
We haven�t made out in two weeks, and it doesn�t seem to bother him. I know he loves me because of other little things he does all the time, but this no-action stuff is getting a little frustrating. �Andrea
You can start by being honest with him, and let him know that you need him to be a little more sexually aggressive, or sexual at all.
This whole thing sounds very fishy to me. Why would a dude not be interested in sex? Maybe he�s not interested in having a relationship. Or he�s gay. Or he�s cheating on you. Maybe he has some hormonal problem that affects his libido. Maybe he has issues with women, or maybe he was abused or something and doesn�t like sex, period. It�s really hard for me to say, �cause all I know is what you put in your e-mail.
All relationships go through a little bit of cooling off, but seven months is not really long enough to get accustomed to having sex with someone and be satisfied having it less often, especially if you do it as rarely as you indicate. And it seems like he�s even withholding basic affection, which is the most troubling part to me.
I would strongly suggest that you have a little conversation with him, and find out what he thinks about your entire relationship, not just the sex. Please take it to heart when I say that you need to talk to him and demand that he�s honest with you. Either start getting your sexual needs met, or leave him. It�s really not fair to you to settle for a relationship with no physical component. If that�s what he wants, then maybe you should just be friends, and find a guy who can freak you as needed.
Natalie Dee is a Columbus-based artist and writer whose work can be seen at nataliedee.com. To Ask Natalie, e-mail [email protected]
August 3, 2005
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